Organizing Saves Marriages!
How Organization (Or Lack Of) Affects Relationships. And What to Do About It.
Listen, I know that relationships are difficult. I’m not going to pretend that I have a magic solution or that I don’t also struggle in my own relationships with some of the things I’m about to talk about. But I do know after years as a professional organizer that disconnects about organization can cause MAJOR issues in any relationship. In this post, I’m going to talk about what some of those issues are and what you can do to avoid or fix them.
It's important to note that this topic is not only relevant to marriages and other romantic relationships, but also can impact roommates and even workmates (particularly those who share workspaces).
We’ve talked before about how clutter negatively impacts individuals. It creates stress, unsettled feelings, frustration, and even shame. Sharing a cluttered space with other people layers on problems that can be difficult to work through and can sometimes become truly toxic.
Misaligned Priorities
People often have differing levels of tolerance for clutter. What feels unacceptably messy to one may feel totally normal and manageable to the other. When you’re someone for whom maintaining a tidy space is your default, finding out that’s not the default for someone else can come as a surprise. Like doesn’t everyone put away their dishes as soon as they’re done eating? Yeah, apparently not …
What can make this even more jarring is if you’re someone like me for whom clutter can create a physically negative reaction. I get overstimulated easily. Some days are better than others, but sometimes it’s intolerable.
On the other hand, if you’re someone for whom having a few things out of place doesn’t really bother you, living with someone who wants a perfectly tidy space can seem overwhelming. Like, for the love of God, sit down and relax already!
This misalignment can make the tidy person feel like the less tidy person doesn’t value their feelings. The person who doesn’t need as much tidiness may feel like they’re being held to an arbitrary standard or that their own priorities for other activities aren’t respected or valued. Over time this ongoing tension can result in arguments, lack of trust, and even lost intimacy.
Assumptions and Misunderstandings
When we assume we know why someone does or doesn’t do something, we open the door wide for misunderstanding. If you’re a very neat person and especially if it comes naturally to you, it’s understandable that your immediate assumption is that they are lazy or don’t care. After all, it’s so easy for you, it must be for them too. Being lazy must be the reason. I’m here to tell you that is almost never the reason. It’s almost always a lack of a learned skill or a coping mechanism.
It's also not unusual for a person for whom a little mess is no big deal to assume their order-loving partner is uptight, vain, too worried about how others perceive them. I mean we all care a little bit how others perceive us, but the truth is people who have strong cravings for order typically do so for much more deep-rooted and complicated reasons including sensory issue or feelings of anxiety or lack of control in other areas of their life.
When you make these assumptions, it often leads to cycles of blame that do nothing to move you toward a solution. The person who struggles with organization feels guilt and shame. The person who is tidy feels frustration and resentment. And EVERYONE feels misunderstood.
OK, but what do I do about it?
Have Open, Honest Conversations
The best time to do this is BEFORE you move in together. Especially in a newer romantic relationship, it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of taking the next step and not want to take the time for these practical and sometimes difficult conversations. I get it. But it’s a lot more difficult to have these conversations after your lives have become even more entwined and some resentment has already built up.
Some of these things may not even seem like a big deal, but I promise you they can quickly become a problem if they go unaddressed.
Talk about your expectations and priorities.
“Having a tidy house is very important to me. It makes me feel calm and relaxed. I expect that we both put things away as soon as we’re done with them, and that we create a regular cleaning schedule.”
“I don’t want to be tied down to my house. I want to spend as little time cleaning and tidying as possible. I don’t care if there’s some laundry on the floor sometimes and if there are dishes in the sink each night.”
“I don’t like to have a lot of stuff in my house. Lots of décor stresses me out and I think it’s a waste of money. I’d rather spend my money and time on experiences.”
“I’m a homebody and I love decorating. I consider my house and décor to be an investment in happiness.”
Name your deal-breakers.
I am not joking when I tell you one of my deal breakers when I got married was never having to fill the ice cube tray. This was before we could afford a fridge with an ice maker. I KNOW THIS WAS A REALLY DUMB DEAL-BREAKER OKAY?! But for whatever reason it was a task I absolutely loathed. Other more reasonable examples include:
“I hate doing laundry and need you to be responsible for doing your own. I don’t want to be responsible for laundry.”
“I absolutely cannot stand dishes left in the sink. If it can’t go in the dishwasher, please wash it right away and put it away.”
Divvy up EVERY household responsibility.
I could write a million blogs about household responsibilities and equity. And maybe I will. For the purposes of this entry I will just say the important thing is that you actually make a complete list of all of the things that need to be done and agree to who does what and how often. How often is VERY important. If one person expects the bathroom to be cleaned twice a week but the person tasked with cleaning the bathroom thinks once a month is sufficient, there’s going to be a problem.
But what if we already live together?
Yes, these conversations are easier if you have them before you’ve established other routines or have a backlog of clutter and resentment. But I believe strongly that long-lasting relationships require coming back to the negotiating table repeatedly over time. This is another topic that I can, and probably will, do a deep dive on in a future post. We go through so many phases in our lives that it’s unreasonable to expect the household dynamics that worked once will work always. Also, sometimes we think something will work and it just doesn’t. We have to be able to go back to the drawing board and form a new plan.
When initiating these conversations, it’s important to make it clear you need something to change and you want to work together to find a better approach. It can be helpful to talk about how the current arrangement is affecting you.
“I am so stressed out I don’t feel like I can give you or the kids the attention and time you deserve.”
“I realized I really hate doing this task and am beginning to resent having to do it. Is there anything I could take off your plate so that you could do this instead?”
Be Flexible
Divvying up responsibilities and schedules is important, but so is a certain amount of flexibility and understanding. We all get busy and overwhelmed sometimes. So if it’s Day 8 and the weekly bathroom cleaning hasn’t happened yet, it’s not okay to call out your partner. In fact just don’t keep tabs on them at all. That is a recipe for disaster. If, over time, you notice them struggling repeatedly to keep up with certain tasks, a good approach would be “I’ve noticed this is a struggle sometimes. Should we sit down and see if we can come up with a different plan?”
Also be each other’s backups. Know how to do the tasks the other is responsible for so you can jump in and help out when they are busier than usual or going through a time of stress. We all fall behind sometimes.
Express Gratitude
The other day I had an unusually large amount of laundry and was up late folding and putting everything away (my choice, I hate leaving clean laundry unfolded). My husband noted I was up later than normal. “Just a lot of laundry this time,” I said. His response was “Oh. Well thank you for taking care of all of that. I appreciate it.” I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. I was tired and cranky, but having my efforts acknowledged made all the difference. Sometimes having someone show gratitude for the mundane daily tasks is even more powerful than when they acknowledge something unusual or exceptional that you did. For the most part, we’re all just trying our best. Remember that.
Know Your Partner
Are they usually relatively tidy but suddenly the mess is getting out of hand? That probably means they have too much on their plates physically or mentally/emotionally right now. Give them grace and time. You could also take care of something you see that needs to be done until they get themselves back on track.
If they’re someone who has always struggled with clutter, there’s probably a reason. Maybe it’s not a skill they learned. Maybe that’s not how their brain works. A person with ADHD for example can learn coping mechanisms but prolonged focus will always be a struggle for them. It’s not fair to expect them to act like a person without ADHD. Consider assigning the more focus-driven household tasks like paperwork and budget management to the other person leaving activities like dishwashing or getting the kids ready for bed to the person with shorter focus.
Workarounds
Sometimes the best solution is just to avoid having to deal with something altogether. That could mean you just decide to no longer care about having perfectly clear kitchen counters anymore. Mindset changes can be powerful, although they’re not always easy. That could also mean getting a refrigerator with an ice maker 😊 Or turning your large walk-in closet into two smaller closets so you don’t have to deal with seeing your partner’s laundry piles.
And if you have the means, consider outsourcing the tasks you most struggle with or dislike whether that’s professional cleaners or a professional organizer. Organizers can help you tackle your clutter but, most importantly, find systems to keep it at bay. And if it’s an ongoing struggle for you, check with your local professional organizer about ongoing support services. These can include standard organizing activities like folding and putting away clothes, tidying the pantry, and putting away groceries. But many will also help with household management tasks like meal planning, making appointments, family calendar management, and even errand running.
Remember no matter where you’re at, you can always start over. Begin today with the way you mean to continue. And if you need some help, call me.
